No sir, you may not… for there is no feast to be televised. I have recently found that modern television has hit an all time low, with no signs of coming back to its former glory. What makes it all the more cringe worthy and horrible to put up with is the fact that millions of morons all over the fucking country are buying into the crap spewed by ‘Media’ graduates who think they know television. I’ll let you in on a secret…. it’s bollocks. Most of the trash tv that gets churned out on to our boxes is scarily cheap to make, and to that end; utter gobshite. Let me speak of a few more recent examples to clear things up:
I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!
I cannot stand this program at all… not even for a few seconds. It truly stands out amongst everything else as possibly the poorest excuse for a television show ever conceived. For those not familiar with the show I’ll explain briefly what the concept is. Basically a load of X-list celebrities who are usually famous for being complete nonces are thrown into a ‘jungle’ and given a series of daily challenges, completion of said challenges allows them things like… food. The celebrities get voted off by the IQ-challenged public and thus ensues months of torture for those of is with more than half a brain cell left.
The ‘celebrities’ the show usually hires are the down-on-their-luck-will-do-anything-for-a-quick-buck type of celebrity, you won’t catch anyone with an ounce of self esteem on this show. I dread to think what the marketing meeting was like when this show was created, perhaps some idiot suggested it as a joke but the head of ITV would of course take it seriously and thusly television related suicides hit an all time high. It’s the kind of show that makes me want to vomit and gag and belch all at the same time just so I have something more interesting to do, honestly the crap that these celebrities come out with is fucking ridiculous. Some of them want to win it, and I don’t understand why because they shall forever be known as the celebrity with the lowest self esteem, taking Jordan off her podium for that title. (I believe she was in the show one year… fancy that.)
Big Brother
…. a bunch of people living in a house. Oh yeah and to make it interesting thay have to do inane tasks….. sound familiar? It’s reality TV at its finest folks, no expense spared here. The show will usually go for the kind of people that will get on each others tits, so they have an irritating black woman, a transexual, a calm but boring normal person, a social recluse and a sex-mad big-titted bimbo. Any combination of the above will also be accepted as legal tender in the Big Brother house and all profits will go to Davina and of course Channel 4, so they can keep making wank like this.
Whats more is that the LIVE feed is broadcast round the clock on e4 while the Big Brother fiasco exists.. so you can watch people eating cereal….. or sleeping……. or having a natter…… or eating beans…….. or sitting down……. the mind boggles at the kind of person that would want to watch a LIVE feed of someone else living their life in a house. Perhaps less TV watching and more getting up and doing something ffs would do the job?
What makes me even more agitated about this show is that it attracts the whole of the nation who seem to have the IQ of a fish bowl, except without the fish. Those of us who have very little lives of our own to lead tend to watch this program as I’ve observed and imqho these people we can do without. We are in desperate need of some positive brain washing here, and I think those of us who are not sucked in by the will of BB should not rest until they’re on the trains heading for the camps.
Hollyoaks
The ultimate bane of my televisual existance. For those not familiar… it’s a soap opera, with very bad bad bad BAD acting and even worse looking people. I’ve been told the redeeming feature is the attractive men and women cast in the show but I honestly don’t see it, they’re all northern, all fucking each other when they shouldn’t be, all up shit creek without a paddle and all in some kind of scandal. Sums up most soap operas really doesn’t it? The problem you’ve got with hollyoaks is that none of it seems to make any sense, the plotlines are dim-witted at best and seem to follow the same kind of predictable trend as a Tom and Jerry cartoon. I’m not saying that Tom and Jerry is shit, I’m saying that you kind of knew what the plot was before the cartoon started, and the same is true of hollyoaks. Someone will fuck someone they shouldn’t have !SCANDAL! and then they’ll in turn touch up some kid !SCANDAL! and they’ll in turn threaten to kill everyone with a bomb !SCANDAL! and then everyone will make up with a big AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ^^
Isn’t that nice?
No it is not, this drivvle should honestly not be allowed on telvision, I can make my peace with Corry, Eastenders, Emmerdale and the such… as they’ve been running for YEARS and have some cast members who could act their way out of a locked steel box at the bottom of the ocean. Sadly hollyoaks lacks such stars and I fail to see what the appeal is. What gets me even more about the show is that channel 4 recently announced that hollyoaks is available in HD. Now if you’ve ever watched hollyoaks you’ll find that the production quality is pisspoor.. and then some. It lacks any kind of know-how of video editing, and I swear to god I’ve seen napkins with better post production. So why on EARTH would you want to watch this god forsaken show in HD? When you can actually make out how much make up they’re all wearing and how fat they really all are, and of course how incredibly BAD they are at what they do. These are supposed to be legitimate actors and actresses, graduates from drama schools, people with years of experience. And look where it’s got them; a sad reject on some show that only the mentally ill seem to favour.
So in conclusion… TV is generally quite shit these days. I’d much rather we returned to shows such as Blackadder, The IT Crowd, Father Ted, Stargate SG-1 (BRING IT BACK FFS), South Park, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and fucking loads more I can’t remember. All of these shows are great for a specific reason, they’re on television because they are fantastic at what they do. Not because it’s cheap to make and it’ll keep the stupified masses happy, I dread what the TV will be like in the future if this is todays standard.