Ugh, what the bollocks? Why do I bother with films? Why do they bother making them? I went to the cinema tonight in the vain hope that this year’s remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still was going to be any good.
I mean c’mon, how bad could it be?
I forgot one small thing two small things:
1) Its headline star is Keanu Reeves. Oh dear.
2) It’s a 20th Century Fox remake, and can therefore never be anything better than pisspoor.
The film was fucking dire, to be honest. Was this rewrite to spec or something? I didn’t think that Mr. Reeves, described on his own IMDB profile as “one of the most inscrutable actors to ever hit it big”, could do a more convincing impression of a two-by-four than in his role for Constantine… But even yet, the guy pulls something out the bag and bingo – we have an almost immovable force in the way of our enjoyment.
(Inscrutable means ‘difficult or impossible to comprehend, fathom or interpret’ for those of you who can’t even speak your own bloody language. Get with the plan linguistic slowcoaches.)
Alongside Mr. cool-breeze-over-the-mountains-in-hawaiian Reeves, we had the illustrious cast list of Jennifer Connelly and Kathy Bates comprising the other main characters. Why are they in this film? Who cast them? Were they having a laugh? ‘Oh well,’ you think, ‘at least if they’re not trying to lure us with big-name, popular actors, the storyline might actually be alright for a remake,’ you think. How wrong you are. A ludicrous (and flimsy) back-story; Helen Benson (Connelly) is arch-astrobiologist and multi-tasking single parent to some arsey, badly-behaved black kid (Jaden Smith). Why does she have to look after the little shitnose? She married his father (an Engineer in the Army) and as it turns out he was killed a year prior to our current day events. Never mind the ever-present (and far more fitting) cautionary tale about war, the story dumps that in the bin for the sake of harping on about environ-mental issues instead.
The kid hates his step-mother and instead likes to spend more time playing WoW (and failing hard) on his LG laptop, but inevitably gets dragged along for the ride anyway – his standout moment is when he calls the cops on his mum and Klaatu to get ’em picked up, when they’re running from the fuzz midway through the film. Great work dumbass.
Oh, and I neglected to mention that they drive around in a new Honda Civic (hybrid too I think, go you). But wait, what’s the time? <cut to full-frame shot of Connelly’s £10-looking Citizen watch>. At one point, Reeves and another elderly character, another alien who has been evaluating our evolution and lack of progress with an aim to deciding whether the Earth is worth razing to the ground and starting over… They meet in a McDonald’s. Oh, and apparently NASA uses Windows Vista on its laptops and the U.S. Army uses Microsoft Surfaces and tablets to do all their hardcore scientific shit on. It didn’t even work properly for MSNBC during the U.S. Election coverage, how did the Army get it to work? Stick an electrode up Bill Gates’ arse and demand a Service Pack?
GORT looks like a humanoid version of KITT – nice red eye/laser/tractor beam, but at one point he starts to disseminate into a bunch of teensy weensy little replicators
You know what? I’m so absolutely pissed off with how poorly this film was done – especially when it had every potential to be an absolutely destructive, awe-inspiring ground-up remake – I feel like I want to vomit over the 35mm reels and ask for my money back. Cinematical and The Examiner go into every gory detail about just how bad the film is, but let me quote you a little bit from the Cinematical review:
As a remake, it’s equal parts missed opportunity and half-hearted update. Neither is worth standing up for, and the sum total is barely worth sitting still for.
John Cleese found his way onto the set at some point too, and they gave him a role. Great, shut Mr. Cleese up and give him some doddery old scientist character to English his way through (god bless ‘im). GORT is the best character in the film I think – partially because he doesn’t fucking say anything (and the less the better in this film). One thing this film does have by the sickbag-load is CG – lots, and lots, and lotsandlotsandlots of CG. You want CG? WETA Digital (Lord Of The Rings fame) did some! Want some more? Cinesite did some! Want some more? About three other companies got a look-in as well. Credit crunch? What credit crunch?
As a result the film was loaded to the gills with CG, and frankly it was to the detriment of the story. I love a good bit of computer generated goodness in a film, but there has to be plotline and a well-acted core story to reinforce the eye candy. Unfortunately the eye candy ended up almost carrying the film, stupid plot progressions and all. “So we sit there un-entertained and unhumored waiting for the clock to run down on a movie that has no prospect of being anywhere near interesting…” I’d hate to have to design the Blu-Ray disc for the home release. I’d get fired shortly after they realise that I’d just ripped out the entire 2008 remake and replaced it with the 1951 original to try and make amends in advance for the overwhelming shiteness of the 2008 version.
I got a dirty student discount to see the film - three whole English pounds for a ticket with a voucher from Student Beans. I still want a refund. Fucking cinemas still don’t have those Instant Refund buttons on the armrests yet. And because I got a student ticket, I don’t even get an AMC MovieWatcher point for enduring two hours of cinematic cruft. Wankers.